I can't believe its April 2014 already!
I probably sound like an old woman but the time this year has flown past .
I feel like this year has been good so far, but anything would be better than the latter of last year.
In August last year, I was told I had depression. Which when I look back wasn't really a surprise. I knew something wasn't right, I could tell I had changed in myself.
To most people on the outside I probably came across as the same happy, bright, bubbly person I always have been, but struggling with depression internally (when you don't know what it is yet) is crippling. Feeling alone when you're not is so isolating that I don't think anyone knows how it feels unless you've been in that situation yourself. I actually thought I was going mad, I cried...a lot. I felt empty, I had no motivation, and I also felt guilty, for feeling this way when there are so many people out there that have it so much worse than me, I am incredibly lucky, I have a wonderful family, great friends, a warm, safe place to sleep at night.
So when I was told it was depression, it was a relief but at the same time, a massive worry. How would people react when I told them? Would my friends understand? Or would they disown me for being 'mental'. What would my family say?
I didn't need to worry, my family were amazing, my mother and sister have both suffered on and off with this so they knew exactly how I felt, and my friends were so suportive, it was such a relief to know that they would be there for me if I needed them.
While this was all happening, I had just started a new job, which was daunting in itself and then a few days later we found out my gran who lived in Scotland had dementia, so she had to come and live in England so we could be nearer to her, and so she could be looked after by the right people. So a lot happened very quickly, in a short amount of time.
I did my research on depression, I read a lot of online blogs from people who had depression as well, I looked on charity websites for coping mechanisms, and I spoke to my family, which turned out to be the best thing, it taught me to open up to them and let them know how I was feeling, where as before I'd always just say 'Im okay' so I didnt add to their stresses they had themselves.
The reason for me being so open about this on this more personal blog is to show people that having depression isn't something to be ashamed of. It happens to people and it's not something you need to hide, be open, speak about it and it will stop the prejudice people show towards people who have mental health problems. It will lift the stigma placed on 'depressed' people. Trust me, it helps. I had such a huge weight lifed off my shoulders when I started being honest with people, and 100% of the people I have told, have been incredibly supportive. And I've not been treat any differently for saying it.
Thankfully I feel like I am nearing the end of my journey on this not so good part of my life, I still have days where i do feel the emptiness trying to creep back in, but I know how to deal with it now, I know how to cope and not let it take a hold like it used to. But compared to last year, I am in a much better place.
I hope this this will bring even the tiniest bit of reassurance to anyone that sees this (probably no-one) but if it helps a little, then I know I have done some good.
I now have genuine reasons to smile again, one day I hope you do too...
G
x
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